Natural Hemorrhoid/Haemorrhoid CureHow I cured Hemorrhoids, the natural way.

How I cured Hemorrhoids, the natural way.



I prepared this page because I just went through this ordeal and could not find any helpful information on the internet explaining how to deal with it.
I’m a sporty guy and only 37, so I thought it a bit strange for me to have hemorrhoids at all. But then it occurred to me that it could be due to the fact that, after a long break, I started riding a bicycle again. I was borrowing a cheap bike with a very hard seat, and after riding 30 km or more for many days near to each other, I noticed tons of blood mingling in my stool. So many days in fact that I was seriously thinking of going to the hospital, which I almost never do.

Anyway, after much research and experimentation, I managed to find a solution to my predicament. Therefore, feel free to embark on this journey with me. As everything I do in my life, I prefer to lace it with a sense of humour (almost necessary in hard times like these). However, this could foreseeably lead to rather graphic and gruesome descriptions, so I hope you enjoy, or can stomach it..

So, after noticing a deeply red toilet bowl for more than a week, a pain started developing and I eventually realised I had what I thought I would never have: Hemorrhoids.

True, my translating agency job requires that I sit in front of the computer more than eight hours a day, most of the time of which I am sprawled out on the couch or in some other comfortable position, but I never thought this would happen to me.

Here is how I believe one gets hemorrhoids:

after sitting on your butt for an excessively long period (it is even worse apparently if you sit on hard and cold surfaces), the blood veins in your intestines get constricted and damaged. When you incur any damage to your body, your body naturally sends a lot of blood and healing juices to that area, which results in swelling. However, ironically, this is often the worst thing that can happen because this very swelling ends up constricting the blood vessels in the area, slowing down the healing process. I once took a first aid course and the standard procedure to deal with such cases is to put an icepack on the wound – to reduce the swelling.
In your butt, the situation is aggravated further by the fact that the swelling has nowhere to expand. Therefore, the damaged area results in a sweltering furnace of pain. Because it is difficult to reduce the swelling in such an awkward and confined space, the healing process for this type of damage can be rather lengthy (months?).
There is apparently an inner and an outer type of hemorrhoids. It seemed to me that the swelling led the inner sleeve of the intestine to eventually slip out a bit, sort of hanging out a little and what a friend of mine referred to as “his little cauliflower”.

There are two solutions that I know of how to solve this problem:

1) the standard western medicine approach: a large cone shaped device is placed carefully up your rear end, after which you hear a quick zip sound, like the sound of one of those powerdrills for tightening bolts on car tires, and a chunk of your inner intestines are miraculously sliced out.
Make sure you have a full bag of amphetamines on your way home from the doctor.

2) the old wives tale approach.
Go to a pharmacy, or maybe a forest, and get a bunch of oak bark. Cut into small shavings. Bring to boil about one litre of water per 50 g of shavings. Let your concoction boil for about 3 minutes, then seep for about 30. When your concoction is not so hot anymore, pour it into some plastic or other basin and let cool down until you can bear it (supposed to be applied lukewarm) and

START SOAKING THAT CAULIFLOWER BABY!

The reason this works is because it causes the flesh in the burning inferno compression chamber to compress and become smaller, allowing the blood to flow through it easier and hence help the healing process. I usually soak it for about 25 minutes. I think the best time to do this is sometime shortly before noon, by which time you should have fully released your previous day’s meal. Otherwise, the compressed nature of your inner tubes might compress against any remaining processed food, making matters potentially worse.
To aid in the excrement releasing process, you should eat foods which, when “processed”, remain nice and soft to avoid any sort of constipation or strained release efforts. I was recommended long grain, natural and unpealed rice with lightly cooked vegetables. I also generally like to drink a lot of juice – my favourite being pineapple juice with fibre in it. Fibre in general is good to attain soft stool. Or just eat a lot of green salad.
Now that you have attained the soft stool you are seeking, you can further alleviate the discharge process by your position while doing it. Yes, for millions of years mankind has squatted while relieving themselves, but somehow over the past century or something we have invented, as usual, something not reflecting our evolution. What I do (and what I adopt consistently when using public facilities, as well as all the time now that I have discovered it) is to squat on the toilet, my bare feet positioned on each side of the seat and my arms resting on my knees. A comfortable enough position but even more comfortable with regards to the effortless and smooth release. (However, in this position and because of the gaping open basin, a few courtesy flushes may be in order!)

This seems to work the best of all approaches I've tried, although it may take a few hours to make noticeable effect, and until the next day when it will make a great difference.
You can combine this with various creams if you like. Save a trip to the doctor and just go to a good pharmacy and tell them your problem. I'm sure they will prescribe the same thing your doctor will. And you can include some good anti-inflammatory with that, which you should take in the morning and evening after a hearty meal, to avoid a stomach ulcer. Wheat germ oil (helps with digestion - consume) is supposed to help, but I haven't tried that. I also found oak bark oil with chamomile (apply to area - external use), which seemed to help.

At night you should lie on your stomach. If after all your efforts you still feel pain and have difficulty falling asleep, I found that assuming the ostrich position, with my head buried in my pillow and butt in the cold air, had the most immediate effect. Try putting an icecube there or cooling it down in some way, such as with a cold shower on the spot, as the cold is the quickest way to reduce the swelling, avoid the pain, and start a proper healing process. Spread your butt cheeks to help the inner part cool down too, and I found twisting around the waste and other similar movements helped shift the intestines inside to help them get in a better position.

If you are having constipation problems and can't get rid of your stool so well (holding onto handlebars and squeezing until your eyes almost pop out is not good because you are only increasing pressure in the area), you can try an intestinal flush with sea or ocean water. Between one and three pints can do the trick well. If you are not near the ocean, make your own but make sure to use sea salt and not regular iodized table salt, otherwise it wont work. Bring to taste like the ocean. That shoots right through your whole system and will nicely clean out your guts. Try to drink within 5 minutes and then hang around the toilet for about half an hour or more, because you might not get much warning. You can lie on your back and move your legs a bit to help get it through your system.


This all is the quickest fix. You want to do something like this as soon as possible, because if you let the swelling stay there too long, you could create an extra permanent piece of flesh which will only hassle you for the years to come. I've held out for 5 years and decided I've had enough, so will finally go for option 1 above. It took me a while to find some natural means, so perhaps I let the inflammation stay too long and now it is too late.
If you have developed a permanent internal inflammation and you find you are now having problems releasing your stool (it doesn't come out so easy, and is followed by an extended trickle of see-through liquid - your body's solution to continued swelling), it is better to remove it, because it is more important you properly release any waste from your body. Your body constantly processes toxins and gets rid of them in various ways, but if your intestines are clogged in some way, the toxins will seep back into your bloodstream and you are only damaging yourself. Avoiding a lot of pork and beef is advisable for this, as pork tends to line your intestinal walls and beef block it. Your body is like a machine, and you want to help it remove stuff that doesn't belong there.











During your period of pain, there are things we might want to avoid. One of my friends’ doctor referred to it as the four Cs:

* Coffee (I guess it is an abrasive substance and scratches the sensitive and damaged areas)
* Ketchup (sounds like C but anything with tomatoes in it is supposed to be bad)
* Cheese (probably promotes constipation)
* Chili (anything which contributes to the burning rim of fire – something we might be able to handle better under normal circumstances)


And, while we’re at it, Couch! Yes, get OFF yer butts (that's something I almost always do as part of the translating agency agency I run)! I put my computer on a chair on my table and basically stood while working for a month. Or sit on your side somehow. Or get a little rubber dingy thing (like an inner tube for a car tire) for children to sit on to help you spread you butt cheeks and not apply pressure to the area.

Speaking of spreading your butt cheeks, it is generally good to keep the area cool, so if you don’t mind sitting naked on the rubber dingy while at work…

Also, after you’ve relieved yourself, you may find that you have inadvertently pushed out the inner lining of your swollen intestines, hence producing the unwanted cauliflower. Such a situation could prove painful when, for example, walking, seeing that the poor little cauliflower is sandwiched between your moving butt cheeks. So I found it a good idea to pull my protruding intestine back where it belongs. After you finish your big duty, you can achieve this by spreading your butt cheeks with your hands while in a semi squat standing position, move your hips from side to side, or up and down, and contract your pooppush muscles to pull that baby back in there.
My friend also said that squats in the weight room are generally good for strengthening those muscles.
So, your cauliflower reducing routine may look as follows:
sit if your little tub of warm to hot oak bark mixture. It should be a fresh batch every time and freshly heated, but not boiled or overheated. Sit in that for the full 25 minutes, if possible. Get up a bit and let your bum drip dry a bit (the mixture apparently makes a stain which could be quite difficult to remove), run to the shower, shower off, blast your butt hole with freezing cold water for as long as you can endure it, perhaps do squats at the same time, but make veeeeery sure none of your friends are catching any of this on film.